Tommy's Great Adventure ;)
by METMA Mandy
Summary: LOL! This fic is a bit off the wall, but in a good way! We learn how a sweet little boy named Tommy became the evil Voldemort. Includes a strange affinity for fish and chips, aliens, and lots of laughs! R/R!
1. Tommy's Great Adventure ;)

A/N: Tee-hee. For an English assignment, we had to write a story that included a sheep, a potato, aliens, and an elephant, as well as our 15 spelling vocabulary words (analogous, equine, contingent, diverse, eloquence, fickle, impasse, listless, obstinate, pompous, quell, scrutinize, unerring, virulent, voluble). So here's mine. We find out how in the world Tom Riddle became evil. *grins* It's quite...er...different. Keep in mind I turned this in...  
****  
  
"We here at the London Zoo have a diverse range of animals, such as the rare Brunni sheep..." the balding tour guide droned on. LIttle Tommy stood impatiently, his toe tapping inside old, dirty shoes.  
  
"Miss Hannyghan? I wanna see the elephants!" he whined, pouting his seven year old face.  
  
"Oh...yes, Tommy. Only, hold on a moment while we listen to the nice man," his orphanage director said, not really paying much attention to the fickle child. "Just listen to his eloquance!" she muttered to herself.  
  
As his "mother" stood, watching the tubby man speak, ever obstinate Tommy decided to see the elephants all by himself.   
  
"Hmm...the picture is pointed that way!" And so young Tommy toddled off in search of his beloved Dumbo.  
  
Meanwhile, on planet Bodlz, the Commander spoke pompously to his troops.  
  
"SOLDIERS!" he shouted in Bodlzish [translated here for your benefit ;)] "Today we embark on an amazing mission; a mission that may very well help our planet more than you could ever imagine. I'm sure you are all aware of the disastisfaction among the citizens due to our lack of fish and chips." Many of the nodded emphatically at this. "Mmm...fish and chips..." Commander Pawl closed his eyes and moved his jaw, losing track of himself.   
  
"Sir?"  
  
"Oh! Right...We must be UNERRING in our mission! CONSTANT VIGILANCE," the aliens jumped, "is needed to make sure this goes off without a hitch. Placing one of our rank in the guise of a young child should be easy. The Earthlings will never suspect a change, and the fish and chips will be ours!!!"   
  
Commander Pawl laughed evilly, content upon knowing the planet's supply of fish and chips would soon be within his posession.  
  
****  
Tommy quickly walked past the sheep and zebras, giraffes and equine donkeys in the Petting section, on the way to his favorite animal -- the elephant.   
  
Far from being analogous, or alike, the group of elephants clearly had one misfit. And this misfit, this listless, unhappy grey bag of skin, was Dumbo, the elephant Tommy so loved.  
****  
  
"Have you packed the potato seeds in the storage bay, private?" asked the Commander, carefully scrutinizing a checklist.  
  
"Er...I was just about to, you see..." the young one blanched, afraid of the Commander's quick temper. Seen as unimportant to the "cause", Pawl had quelled aliens for less than this.  
  
jumped "You NEGLECTED your duty? The entire MISSION is contingent upon this one simple act, and you cannot complete it?" the tall Commander's mouth showed angry, virulent fangs, and his eyes turned a reddish tint. "Tell me," he said, his voice now soft, "what grows from a potato seed?"  
  
"P-potatoes." said the youth, not quite sure where the leader was going.  
  
"And what can be made out of potatoes?"  
  
"Fish and chips, sir."  
  
"And where are the best fish and chips in the Milky Way manufactured?"  
  
"Earth, sir. England, to be exact."  
  
"Yes. The Urbaawwians try, but they just CAN'T get the spices right!" shrieked the Commander, rubbing an imaginary piece of dirt in his eye, it now turning a blood-red shade.  
  
And as the leader thought dreamily of English fish and chips, the not voluble soldier slipped away.  
****  
  
Tommy tugged as hard as his lean body could at the impasse at the gate to the elephants.   
  
"I wanna get in!" he screamed, near to crying. Behind him, a creature moved. Before Tommy could react, he was in a space ship, chains binding him to the wall.  
  
"Greetings, earthling." A pale, tall alien, the Com loomed above him.  
  
"Huh?" Tommy not having the benefits of a translating narrator, couldn't understand what the scary man was saying.  
  
"Oh, right." Pawl flipped a switch on the panel. "Greetings, earthling. TAKE US TO YOUR FISH AND CHIPS!"  
  
"Mmm...fish and chips..." Tommy trailed off.  
  
"I think we're going to get along just fine, kid, so long as you follow my instructions. Giimq, turn on the cloning machine." The Commander pointed a long, spidery finger at a female-type creature against the wall.  
  
"Ay, ay, sir!" With a flick of the switch, another Tommy, exact in every detail, appeared.  
  
"Whoa!" said the real Tommy, in awe.  
  
"Thank you, human. Now, Cyppm, we will transfer your essense into the shell." A listless citizen, well known for being a loner, stepped up to the faux Tommy, and the procedure went underway.  
  
A few minutes later, Commander Pawl decreed the transfer complete. "And now, no one can stop us! The Fish and Chips SHALL BE OURS!!"  
  
And so the new and "improved" Tom Marvolo Riddle returned to earth, ready to strike.  
  
To be continued...  
****  
  
A/N: Yup. Off the wall, as I said. But rather funny at parts, I thought. *grins* So review, please? Because the aliens are ready to strike... *grins even wider* So should I continue this or just thank my lucky stars I won't fail the assignment? What do you think? Personally, I think its a piece of crap. But that's just my thought. :)   
Toodles! ~Mandy  
  
  



	2. Tommy's Great Adventure ;) Part 2!

A/N: Heh. Most of you liked the last part, yay! So I suppose I'll continue it. If you didn't read the last part, you best be turnin' round now, cuz you won't get it! This story is about how a cute little kid named Tommy became Voldemort. With the help of an alien conspiracy to get fish and chips. Eep. I'm so high today. On potatoes.   
  
I'm not going to add any more spelling words or crazy challenge thingies, just going to continue it. Kay? Kay. More of the aliens evil plan is revealed. Now read!   
****  
  
"Tommy! Where were you?" scolded Miss Hannyghan, glaring at the (seemingly) unchanged seven year old.  
  
"I was speaking to the wrinkly one," his lying fangs said.  
  
"You mean the tour guide?"  
  
"No," Cyppm-as-Tommy replied, rolling his distinctive eyes.   
  
"Well, it's time to go, Tommy. You will be spanked for this infraction." Miss Hannyghan grabbed his small hand and was shocked to feel sharp nails digging into her skin. "Uh...Tommy?" she asked, a bit afraid.  
  
"Take me to your fish and chips." His voice sounded more metallic than usual, thought the middle aged orphanage director, and his eyes...  
****  
  
"Groovy, Commander!" the real Tommy chirped.  
  
"Thanks, dude!" The Commander and Tommy were getting along just fine, playing a game of Pac-man on the overhead monitor. "If that Cyppm doesn't complete the mission correctly, I'm going to eat him just like I'm eating those colorful dots!"  
  
"What is the plan, Commander?" Tommy questioned, still having no idea what was going on.  
  
"Well, child, you may not realize this, but we Bodlzians have a strange affinity for what you call 'fish and chips'," Commander Pawl motioned.   
  
"Uh huh..."  
  
"These fish and chips give us a strange power." Commander Paul leaned in and whispered in Tommy's ear confidentially. "They are a well known aphrodisiac, you see."  
  
"Afro-whasit?" Tommy's innocent eyes were full of confusion.  
  
"Er...they...make us happy," he said quickly. "Back on subject, our plan...yes. With trusted Cyppm appearing to all as a cute little boy," he tweaked Thomas Marvalo Riddle's nose affectionately, "He can begin his work in bringing back 'fish and chips' for all of us."  
  
"Neat-o! But how long will he look like me? Won't he change back?"  
  
"Well, yes," the pale, red-eyed, fanged alien replied, "but the change will occur so slowly that no one will notice until it is too late!" He paused dramatically, and then went back to relaying his plan. "And then, all the 'fish and chips' SHALL BE MINE!" He laughed evilly in the signature Bodlzian high tone.  
****  
  
Three years later, on Earth, another alien was laughing shrilly -- Cyppm. Little did his Commander know that in transferring him into Tommy's body, he was also giving the soldier an added weapon -- MAGIC.   
  
"Just imagine what I can do..." trailed off the faux Tom Riddle, imagining mountains of 'fish and chips' (even in his mind he moved his fingers to make quotation marks), the oil burning all of his enemies, and the spices attracting beautiful creatures. The same beautiful creatures whose pictures adorned his bed's sides, the ceiling, and th-  
  
"TOM! There had better NOT be any MORE sheep pictures on my bed when I get up there!"   
****  
  
A/N: *grins* HEHEHE! Okay, I don't know if that part was any better, or any worse, but I'm starting to like this series. So review, and tell me whether you thought it was off the wall (in a good way) or off the wall (in a bad way)!!   
  
A/N2: For all those of you memorizing the periodic table, I give you this advice. To memorize Fe (the symbol for iron) remember this. Fe, reminds you of FU, reminds you of DUI, and the last letter of DUI is I, which is the first letter in IRON! *grins and puffs some more potatoes*   
  
A/N3: REVIEW! Please?  
  
A/N4: There was no reason for this A/N. I just wanted to annoy you. *grins evilly*  
  
A/N5: I forgot to mention, that if you don't know what an aphrodasiac is, look it up. But DON'T ASK YO MAMA! *grins so evilly my face hurts*  
  



	3. Tommy's Great Adventure ;) Part 3!

A/N: Tee-hee! Part 3 of my crazy fic, started as an English assignment. You have to read the first two parts first, or you won't get what the flying-potato I'm talking about. To read Part 1, click [here][1]. To read Part 2, click [here][2]. *grins* Anyway, in this part, we learn more of how Tommy is doing on Planet Bodlz, Cyppm's actions at Hogwarts, a fairly SHOCKING Malfoy family secret, and so on.  
***  
  
"Hmm..." the Sorting Hat considered, "you're different, aren't you? HA! There's something you don't see every day ... fish and chips, Riddle? Well, Thomas, you are chock full of cunning and ambition, so I'll have to say SLYTHERIN!" As the contents of the Great Hall politely applauded, Cyppm coldly removed the torn hat and took his place at the table.  
  
"Hullo, I'm Lucius!" a male first year, his silvery blonde hair looking as though it would glow in the dark, introduced himself.   
  
"Greetings." After three years on this planet, Cyppm, already beginning to look more like a Bodlzian and less like young Tommy, still didn't have a full understanding of human slang. "How do you get your hair that color?" his pinkish eyes stared in bald-faced curiosity.  
  
"Oh! Secret family recipe, you see. My great-grandfather invented it, because," Lucius whispered, "all Malfoys are born...well, they're born with gray hair!"  
  
The alien gasped, unaware that his fangs were dripping venom. "Gray?" Cyppm's own people had a rather thick shock of ebony hair. On his home planet, Bodlz, hair was deemed rather important; someone born with gray hair, or no hair, was immediately killed.  
  
"Yep!" Lucius seemed lighthearted, little knowing the fate which the faux Tommy thought approached him.  
  
"Then I have no choice, GRAY-ONE!" And Tommy leaned in, his spidery hands wrapping around Lucius's neck, choking him.  
*****  
  
"Quite sorry about that, Tommy. I had "work" to attend to." Commander Pawl had returned from running off with a young female, once again leaving the table shortly after eating 'fish and chips'. Tommy puzzled a minute over this mystery, then gave up, deeming it unsolvable.  
  
"That's all right, Commander. I was just wondering how long Cyppm's going to take my place on Earth!"  
  
"Wellll...we weren't exactly intending to return you, unless Cyppm did something awful. You see, he's a great supplier for us!" Commander thought briefly of the wonders of 'fish and chips', and then continued talking. "We can't, of course, let the Earthlings know that he's an alien. They'd just cart him off to the...oh, what's it called...that place, with the padded walls, and men in white coats?"  
  
"The insane asylum?" Tommy guessed.  
  
"NO! The...oh, yeah! The DOCTOR!" The Commander seemed pleased to remember this piece of information. "For you see, the doctor will weigh Cyppm if he goes there. And-  
  
"What's so bad about being weighed?" Tommy broke in. "It's not that hard, really, all you do is stand on the scale!"  
  
"Silly human! Don't you know that being weighed negates the powers of 'fish and chips' for a whole day?!" Commander Pawl said, surprised the eleven year old didn't know this information.  
  
"Oh...I see. But what DO 'fish and chips' do, anyway?" Tommy REALLY wanted to know; he had been left out of hundreds of conversations for lack of this bit of knowledge.  
  
"Um..." Commander hastily changed the subject. "How about another game of Pac-man, Tom?"  
***  
  
"Thomas Marvalo Riddle! It is only your first day here, and already you've attacked another student! You should be ashamed of yourself!" Professor Diyuth, the tall, slim Head of Slytherin scolded. "You just lost 100 points for Slytherin!"  
  
Cyppm seemed unfazed by these accusations. "You are far more attractive than my sheep. Would you care to dine on 'fish and chips' with me?" he asked, not at all shyly.  
  
"Are you hitting on me, Mr. Riddle?" Professor Diyuth's eyes flashed dangerously.  
  
"Mmm...'fish and chips'..." And the last thing Cyppm, still making quotation marks in the air, saw before he blacked out was Diyuth's fist connecting with his face.  
*****  
  
A/N: I really do like this series. I think its hilariously off the wall! TGIF!! ALL FEAR THE DOCTOR!! *grins* Anyhoozles...review! Please? I've gotten like NONE for the last part of this series! *glares* If you don't review, I won't give you any potatoes to smoke!   
  
A/N2: I want more people to do my challenge! E-mail me for the rules, and VIVA LA METMA!  
  


   [1]: http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=story-read&storyid=180446
   [2]: http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=story-read&storyid=181327



	4. Tommy's Great Adventure ;) Part 4!

A/N: This is the last (sighhhh) part of my crazy, potato-smoking induced English assignment. You hafta read the first three parts to get this, though. So click[here][1] to read the 1st part, click [here][2]to read the second, and [here][3] for the 3rd.   
So this is the ending. *grins* In this part we learn how and why the Potters really died and Tommy finally finds out what 'fish and chips' do. WARNING: This is a whopper of an ending, and no one in their right minds would ever, ever think of something as twisted as this. So I'm sure you'll love it! *grins*  
*****  
  
"Ugh..." Tommy drowsily sat up, massaging his broken nose, taking a moment to remember where he was. To his disgust, three adults peered down at him, their eyes wide.  
  
"Tommy?" Professor Diyuth concertedly asked, "Are you all right?"  
  
"Fine," said Tommy, his reddish eyes flashing in malice. "I take it you refused my offer?"  
  
"Er...yes." Professor Diyuth blushed.  
  
And then, his eleven year old body shaking with rage, Cyppm first decided to learn the spell that would become his catchphrase: Fishada Chipavra.   
*****  
  
30 years later...  
  
"Lily, it's only a matter of time before he comes after us! He's picking off the gang, one by one!" James Potter spoke nervously to his wife, pointing with a potato he had grown.  
  
"Oh, I know James, I know! Voldemort has already killed the owners of "Fish Chips are Us", the Bones..." Lily was uncomfortable, and for good reason; Voldemort had been hitting every 'Fish and Chips' store in London. They would be naive to believe that the Dark Lord would miss their successful potato farm.  
  
"But what can we do, Lily? We've got to protect little spuddy-er, I mean, Harry." James was terribly concerned.   
  
The two fed Harry his daily dinner of Voldemort's favorite food, and quietly watched the windows, afraid.  
****  
  
"Goodness, Tom! Come quick!" Commander Pawl, now elderly but still in good condition, yelled at his foster son, Tom Marvalo Riddle.  
  
"What do you need, Commander?" Tom's kind voice drifted over the doorway.  
  
"It's what we've always feared...Cyppm has gone mad with power, attacking the humans to gain 'fish and chips'." With the danger of situation, Commander forgot the arial quotation marks. "Our cover will be blown, our plan ruined! Unless..." Commander stroked his pale, white chin.  
  
"Unless what?"   
  
"Unless...you. Tom, you know the primary back-up on which this plan was based?"  
  
"Get 'fish and chips', and fast?"  
  
"NO! You cannot kill the person from which your body was made a copy. Do you see?" Commander hoped that his rough words would make it through to Tom.  
  
"So...you're sending me back? But...I haven't seen Earth in years!"  
  
"You must, Tom! To save the 'fish and chips'!"   
  
"All right, I'll go. But only if you tell me what the mysterious powers of 'fish and chips' are, once and for all!" the forty year old man begged his foster father.  
  
"Fine. It does..." Commander whispered into Tom's ear, the man's eyes widening. At the end of the recitation, Tom straightened up.  
  
"I'll do it, then. For the 'FISH AND CHIPS'!!"   
*****  
  
"Lily, where's Harry?"   
  
"I thought you had him?!"   
  
"No..." Lily and James Potter looked wide-eyed at each other in fear.  
****  
  
"COMMENCE BODY COPYING SEQUENCE!" shrieked the Commander. Mirroring the acts which had made Cyppm into Tommy, a tall, pale being flipped the switch, and another tiny baby appeared.  
  
"Tommy... you realize that you're going to be a baby in this body. I have to do it." Commander said, his eyes misting. "I have to wipe your memory."  
  
"WHAT?! THIS WASN'T TALKED ABOUT!" Tom shouted in fury.  
  
"But Tom, I'm giving you something to remember your time with we Bodlzians. As you grow up in this baby's body, you will remember the power of 'fish and chips', and all it's glory." Tom bowed his head in assent. "Transfer his essense after you perform the spell," Commander whispered to his aide.  
***  
  
"Oh, there's Tommy! We must have left him in the bedroom!" cooed Lily over her baby.  
  
"Doesn't he seem different somehow, Lily?" asked James.  
  
"Nonsense! He's fine." As soon as Mrs. Potter's lips had uttered these words, the door to their humble cottage was flung open. Staring out of the darkness came two red eyes -- Voldemort in all his fury.  
  
"Lily, take Harry and go! I'll hold him off!" the potato farmer, brave to the last, shouted.  
  
"HAHAHAHA!" As Lily ran off, Cyppm continued to laugh. "You cannot escape me! I need the 'fish and chips'!!! FISHADA CHIPAVRA!" And with a flash of green light, James lay dead on the floor.  
  
"Not Harry, not Harry!" Lily wailed. "Take me instead!"   
  
"Get out of the way, girl, out of the way!" Cyppm gave the woman a chance, as she closely resembled the sheep he loved so well.  
  
"Nooo! NOOO!!" Having no choice, Voldemort shouted the fateful words and she too was dead, only a tiny infant left in his path.  
  
"And now, for you, my friend," said Cyppm coldly, pointing his wand. "FISHADA CHIPAVRA!"  
****  
  
Hagrid placed the plate of fish and chips in front of Harry and sat down comfortably in a seat in the restaurant on Diagon Alley.  
  
"I'm s'prised you don' remember these, 'Arry! Yer parents used to feed 'em to you all the time..."   
  
"Well, I was very little. And I don't believe the Dursley's ever gave me anything like this before!" Harry replied, staring at the mysterious food.  
  
"Ther' called 'fish and chips' you see..." Hagrid explained to The-Boy-Who-Lived.  
  
"Mmm...'fish and chips'..."  
****  
  
A/N: So ends the saga! *grins* HEHE! So just to make sure you understood, here's a recap. Cyppm died because he tried to curse his own body, and Thomas Marvalo Riddle, famed as the Dark Lord, is really in Harry Potter's body. What happened to the aliens? Well, let's just say they were rescued by...oh, I don't know, how about Moe. Moe and his 'fish and chips'. YEAAAHHH! Anyway. I hope you enjoyed that zany series. *grins*  
  
Please, please review! I've worked pretty hard on this (Yeah right...) and I'd appreciate some sort of review. Mind you, if you DON'T review, I'm going to sic James Potter, the dead potato farmer, on you. *grins evily*

   [1]: http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=story-read&storyid=180446
   [2]: http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=story-read&storyid=181327
   [3]: http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic/?action=story-read&storyid=182517



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